Hajin the Hermit

The most memorable last paragraph of an article I've read this year: " So often the predominant reaction to astrophysics focuses on how vast the universe is and how insignificant a place we hold in it. It would be far better to flip the narrative to see the marvel of the mind exploring the cosmos, human lens and all. "  - How Mere Humans Manage to Comprehend the Vastness of the Universe , Scientific American

I have many regrets. Had I been a pianist I would have played Schuberts Moments Musicaux for thrity minutes and feeling every note as I pressed my finger, hitting the key, letting down the hammer, the hammer vibrating the string.. Had I been a painter I would leave a powerful memoir of every place that struck me. Had I been a composer I would compose a world of my own. Translate everything I knew into a story with no words. I regret that I never got to live in the free-love sixties. I regret that I was not there in 1950 when my country was torn apart. To fully understand what it is like to have my sister against me. I regret that I am not the world’s largest supercomputer, and won’t be able to process every binary digit in the world. But the biggest regret of all is that I am weak, continuing to regret and overcoming only the knowledge that regretting does not change anything.

  To catch my flight, I had to leave summer camp a few hours earlier. As I leave, I take out my camera to take a picture of the campground, but think the better of it. Taking a picture seems unnatural, artificial, binding. I would rather leave it in memory. I don't want to hook myself by bottling this up in a picture. I hope this experience flows like the rest of my life.    In the car, my father and sister are waiting. We drive past the ocean and into the red-purple sunset over the outstretched plain of farms. "Is that a polaroid camera you're holding?" Harim asks. "Yes, but don't use it now--the picture is blurry when you're moving." Ignoring my advice, she takes the picture. I let out a sigh. "Just hand it back to me." That was the last film I had, and an Instax instant film costs $1 each. I adjust my bag to lay down on the backseat, waiting for the film to develop. To my surprise, the picture is better than I'd expected. The blurr...

*Excerpt from my recently discovered notes from 9th grade #1 Checkmate: `The King is Dead’ in Iran language Brave: cowardice (as in bravado) Sophisticated: corrupt Bus: Omnibus (Latin: for everyone) Disaster: Greek. `bad star’- ancient Greeks used to blame calamities on unfavorable planetary positions Nice: Latin. `ignorant’ War: Germanic root. `to confuse’ Mortgage: French root `death pledge’ Goodbye: contraction of an older English phrase `God be with ye’ Adios: `Towards God’ Corridor: Latin currere `running place’ Sarcasm: Greek. `to tear flesh’ Clue: `ball of thread’ Meaning came via the idea of thread being used to guide somebody out of a maze Daisy: `day’s eye’ because the flower opens in the morning and closes at night Adolescence: `grow into maturity’ Sinister: `left’ as in left-handed Nostalgia: the pain for returning home Robot: Czech `robota’ meaning `forced labor’ Filial piety: Latin. duty of son or daughter Com...

2019.03.27 (note from) Justice is but a made up concept to deceptively wrap up reward psychology and vengeance. Had we been more self-reflective and understanding, we would generously forgive the things that we indignantly criticize, and not obsess to retain what is ours. "So you're saying that someone who's been unjustly robbed of his property shouldn't ask for compensation/punishment?" One might wonder. This would, I think, be an example, that is seemingly more justified in the spectrum of cases in which people apply justice. *mellow: adj. (of a person's character) softened or matured by age or experience. In this definition by Google, "softened" and "matured" are used as interchangeable qualities. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 2019.09.26 (now) There is no good or bad. 1) actions with good intentions often lead to bad consequences. 2) as Kant said, if one feels self-satifcation after doing a "good" d...

 My family is not the most close knit household you’d find. Everyone is busy, spending only nights-or weekends-at home. Even birthdays are often let pass. It's been long since I regretted their uneventfulness: finding a raspberry cheesecake in the refrigerator late at night is my definition of a good birthday. Emotionally charged words are also a scarcity. While we care for one another, we are not an expressive lot (my literary hero is Hemingway's Jake Barnes). Which is just fine for me. By the Kim Dictionary, a plain "Happy Birthday" translates into "We love you."  But Christmas is the exception. As the holiday approaches, our family declares martial law. Decorations, frosted cookies, gentle carols, all the good old stuff. My family is a pretty individual lot, and we aren't very explicit with our feelings. But drier wood burns brighter in fire. It’s like Clausius’s law of entropy. The same amount in heat released causes more impact when the initial te...

I ate a bite of meat. Like a connoisseur savoring an unknown brand of wine, my teeth carefully chew along the stringy flesh. Closely tuned into my taste buds, I waited to feel bad, awkward, or anything. Instead, my first thought was that the I had missed out a lot. Disappointment came. I had half-hoped to feel disgusted, at the taste or at myself. It seemed that my conviction hadn’t changed my appetite during the last few years. Was it that the conviction was, in fact, weak?